A Crisis of Faith

I just finished reading a book that I’ve been looking forward to for a while. It’s called A Canticle for Leibowitz. It is a science fiction novel, set on a post-apocalyptic Earth, with heavy religious themes (specifically Catholic).  It was good. I’ll probably never read it again though, it’s too depressing; but, it is a good book. Reading sad things, seeing sad things, experiencing sad things can sometimes trigger me. I spent the next several hours agonizing over my faith in God. I tried sleeping, but couldn’t sleep.  As I laid there, I prayed, and wondered if I meant anything I said.  What was the crisis I was having? I was wondering “Do I actually believe what I say I believe?”.

I have long had the struggle of connecting my heart in my head. I can know things, but do I really believe them? I can feel things, but do those feelings match reality?  This is where I was last night. I had an idea that helped, but it took a while to really set in.

It makes sense to me that God exists. I see no explanation in the physical world that without God that anything could exist.  I believe the Bible to be historically accurate. That means that Jesus is God incarnate, come to Earth; He lived a sinless life, died for the sins of those who would believe in Him, rose from the dead, ascended to heaven, and that anyone who puts their faith in Him as their savior will be saved from eternal damnation.  But do I trust in Jesus as my savior? And how could I know if I do or if I’m just fooling myself? For all intents and purposes, I know that God exists; but the thought “what if I’m wrong?” echoes through the sound chamber of my mind when I make such a declaration.  Is it because I’m skeptical? Is it because of my imposter syndrome?  Do I even have myself fooled, except for some corner of my subconscious which keeps trying to call me out for perpetrating a ruse? 

So what was my idea? Well, I believe that actions speak louder than words. So, I looked at my actions. I think you can tell a lot about what somebody really believes, what they really value, what they really think is true based on their actions. I may have used “really” too many times there… What do my actions show? When I am stressed, I pray. When I am failing, I pray.  My household prays together almost every night as a family.  When I am trying to teach my children a life lesson, I look first to the scriptures for context.  When I spend time reading the Bible and meditating on it, I am a better person – a better husband, a better father, a better employee.  Do those things make me a Christian? No. But if I weren’t a Christian would I do those things?  Maybe. And that’s what scares me.  I’m not afraid of Hell, because I don’t think I’m going there. I’m not particularly looking forward to Heaven (this has been a struggle of mine for a few years now), because I’m not looking forward to being somewhere, even somewhere so amazing, without my life and kids.  It’s not that I’m unwilling, I just don’t understand how I will enjoy it.  But I digress, back to the topic at hand… What scares me is that maybe I’ve fooled myself.  Not that I fooled myself into believing, not that I’ve missed something and am believing the wrong thing, but that I don’t really believe – that I don’t trust on Jesus like I need to to be saved, and that everything I’m doing is a futile facsimile aimed at appearing to have a faith that I desperately want but cannot have assurance of. 

I don’t know. For now, I’m taking solace in the fact that in times of both success and failure I turn to God.  And I am praying for assurance. I ask, earnestly, like another father before me, “help my unbelief” (Mark 9:24).